I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
