Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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