While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
