Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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