Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
