So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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