His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
