haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
