What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
