i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
