If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
