I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
