he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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