9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
