areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My feet surprised me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
