do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
