Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize