how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
