Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
