sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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