You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
