I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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