Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
