Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
