Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
how does that bad decision feel?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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