I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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