Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
