Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
