I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didn't notice because vodka
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
