Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
