please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
sarcasm needs its own font
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize