Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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