You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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