she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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