I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize