You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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