Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
