Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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