My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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