You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize