If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
