I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
