Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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