This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
