You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
