I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
