cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
