Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
