i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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