batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize