Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
