I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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