my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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