I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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