We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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