I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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