It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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