I want to walk on stilts...naked
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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