I wish I could teleport
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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