I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
