theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i think my cat just said my name.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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