I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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