mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
