In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
there's paper in my vomit.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
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