Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Someone signed my nipple.
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