im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
