fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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