Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We were destined to go to rehab together
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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