He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
