Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
